Random thoughts as we age.......

• Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
• I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
• I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
• Old age is coming at a really bad time!
• When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!
• The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
• Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
• I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
• My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
• Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
• The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
• I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.
• When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
• I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!
• Even Duct tape can't fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!
• Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
• Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
• Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
• At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Perks of being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond!

• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
• In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
• No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
• People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• You can eat supper at 4 PM.
• You can live without sex but not your glasses.
• You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
• You can sing along with elevator music.
• Your eyes won't get much worse.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
• You can't remember who sent you this list.

Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes

• ATD - At the Doctor's
• BFF - Best Friends Funeral
• BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
• BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
• CBM - Covered by Medicare
• CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
• DWI - Driving While Incontinent
• FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
• FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
• FYI - Found Your Insulin
• GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
• GHA - Got Heartburn Again
• HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
• IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
• LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
• LOL - Living on Lipitor
• LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
• OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
• OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
• ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
• TOT - Texting on Toilet
• TTYL - Talk to You Louder
• WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
• WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
• WTP - Where're the Prunes
• WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil